Going Somewhere?

A classic line from Bohemian Rhapsody--"Just gotta get out / just gotta get right outta here"--is playing on loop in my head at the moment.

Do you ever feel like you've stayed too long in one place? The voice inside your head screams, "Let's go somewhere! Do something!" So you do something, but it doesn't quite fill the void. You write a poem, but you feel like you're speaking in circles. You take a walk, but the scenery does less for you than you'd hoped it would. You do some laundry then decide against it because let's face it laundry's boring.

It seems to me that no matter how old I get, I will never stop feeling lonely, I will never stop feeling frustrated, and I will never stop feeling the need to compare myself to the world around me in some subconscious attempt to validate my sense of self and keep my ego satisfied (or dissatisfied, at times). Fortunately, though, truth exists outside the vacuum of human experience. I don't need to go anywhere special to feel any certain way, unless that place is Wal-Mart on Black Friday, because only then and there will I feel the type of claustrophobia that comes once a year.

Maybe if I went somewhere different I'd find myself happier, or more at peace with the world. Past experience says most likely not. And who am I to question it?

My thoughts feel like they're in a race against themselves.

Joyce Meyer has always been someone I admire, if not for her stunning hair style then for her frank attitude and practical, no-nonsense approach toward personal joy. I used to watch her television program "Enjoying Everyday Life" every morning before school my senior year of high school. My older brother and sister had moved out of the house, my stepmom was usually working, and my dad had died that fall. I was alone the majority of the time. Something Joyce said about loneliness has stuck with me since the first time I heard her say it: "You have to learn to love yourself. Because no matter where you go, there you are." The audience laughed, and so did I. But it's all too true! That same feeling of loneliness can be the one that I cherish at times, so why do I fear it?

Even now, writing this blog, I wonder how many people feel the way I do at the particular moment. And while it's never wise to assume the feelings of others, I think I can safely say that everyone feels, at some point in their lives, stagnant. Should we all pack up and go to SXSW for a week? Maybe. But I doubt it would fix any longstanding problems in our lives.

Happiness exists indefinitely. It can't be experienced in the past, and it can't be experienced in the future. True joy can only be accessed right now, in this moment, in this place. Everything else is paperwork. The Bahamas aren't harboring my happiness like a fugitive. Neither is Paris. I am harboring my happiness because I feel like I don't deserve it. I haven't done enough to merit happiness. I haven't worked hard enough, prayed long enough, or loved deeply enough. These are the accusations of the inner sadomasochist that exists inside every one of us and feels justified in torturing itself for the sake of some imagined ideal state of living.

In this moment, though, I know I am alive and thankful. The dark side of the moon is still there. Maybe I should travel there more often and bring a flashlight.