The last thing you want to hear when you're angry is "You need to calm down." I rarely hear that because I'm rarely angry. In place of anger, I feel loneliness. Loneliness is like the bully in elementary school; if you don't address it, it follows you everywhere, forcing you to live under its shadow, but if you face it head on, you begin to understand it and thus grow smart enough to conquer it.
I guess a lot of problems are like that.
When the clouds cluster and cast a shadow on we, the tiny people of Planet Earth, idiosyncrasies modern psychology has dubbed "disorders" begin popping up like premature spring daisies from our hearts and minds. Really, though, it all starts in the mind, in my opinion. From there, the heart follows.
Today I was walking to the cafeteria after my noon class and saw a freshman guy I've seen a thousand times before. I silently noted his handsome features, just like every other time I see him on campus, and continued walking. Then I thought of the guy he's seeing. Then I thought how nice it would be to have a boyfriend.
Then I wondered why I was telling myself a lie like that. I know for a fact it would no sooner increase my livelihood and overall happiness any more than getting a haircut would, which I did last week (and yes, it gave me a little boost). So why do we feel compelled to reach out for comfort and acceptance from others? What makes us so uniquely tied to one another despite how much we may deny the fact?
Then came the shocker.
"What if I took that love I desperately crave and gave it to everyone around me?" I thought to myself. An idea so incredible and simple and beautiful I almost wept from the time it took me to spot freshman guy to walk the fifty steps to the doors of the cafeteria.
It's remarkable how easily our brains can shift their usual modes of operation when we tell them to. When we take conscious control and begin steering them in the right direction, we take control of our lives... our surroundings... our circumstances. We begin to shift from the victim mentality to the victor mentality.
It's almost like refusing to give into temptation. Yeah, yeah, yeah... I want that chocolate bar/new pair of shoes/case of beer, but if I tell myself that there is no longer room for compromise, I won't give in.
I want to wage a war on anger. I want to completely reverse my primal order of self-serving emotions, which as anyone knows is no easy process. The world works in many mysterious ways but also in ways that are embedded in our very own fibers. I am a part of this world, so I must function as an extension of nature. I must give before I receive. I must work in harmony with others. I must view myself as a member of a larger work of art, not an entire self-sustaining galaxy on legs. People inspire me, but it's easy to get lost in inspiration and fail to act on what I've been taught or what I've witnessed. The longer I stand staring at myself in the mirror, the less I remember about what I look like. Because what is knowledge if it goes unused?
