Time flies when you're having fun. It flies more quickly when you're working hard.
The thing is... I haven't been working hard these past two months. Not as hard as I should have been, anyway. Two months ago, I got knocked down a couple rungs on my Jacob's Ladder of Life Progress when I let myself get too comfortable and consequently got in serious trouble with the law and my school. An impending court arraignment, more money owed in fines, a meeting with the Dean of Students, multiple scheduled drug tests, probation to last the rest of my academic career at OCU, and one family intervention later, I finally realized that it's time to get serious.
But realizations take time to settle in for me. It's a daily struggle. When it comes down to it, I'm my own worst enemy. I can either choose to be strong, stay positive, and keep believing in myself, or I can abandon those ideals and fall victim to the deadly trio of lethargy, apathy, and self-criticism. When I get down in the dumps, I still wear a smile on my face when I'm around the people I love, but it's only a half-smile, masking the pain I hold inside that I think I'm hiding from everyone else, when in reality it's written all over my face for those who are fluent in the language of Luke to read clearly.
I remember talking to my sister after my first DUI charge, when I admitted that I had driven drunk since the arrest. She laid it out plain and simple for me: "You obviously haven't learned your lesson, then, Luke." She was right. I hadn't. I got a second one less than a month later.
It hurts to be honest with yourself when you're trying to make up for past mistakes, but I've discovered that the only way to get better is to be brutally honest with yourself as well as with those around you, because they're the ones who most deserve the truth. The hardest part about recovery is remembering how far you've come while still remembering how far you have to go. It's all part of this tricky balancing act we call life.
Strangely, I feel more like my high school self now than ever before since I've been in college: constantly sulking, wearing out my social mask, and running around in circles of self-pity. Such things don't allow creativity to flourish. They don't foster peace. They don't celebrate life and anticipate the wonder of change. They don't let you be truly happy.
I have to go now. My brain is telling me to stop looking back and start looking forward.
That way, I don't have to think about being happy. I just am.
